A Fictional Interview w/ the Prophet Mohammed

rv581 · Newbie Alert Joined: 09 Dec 2002 Posts: 4

from www.laststory.com

“A Fictional Interview with the Prophet Mohammed"

LAST STORY: Right off the bat, I wanted to thank you for agreeing to this interview. My opening question is, what’s the proper spelling of your name? Is it “Mohammed,” “Muhammad,” “Muhammed, or what?

MOHAMMED: First of all, this interview is my pleasure. I’m a big fan of your webpage and I’m just glad to be a part of it. As for my name… spell it any which way you like. Doesn’t bother my *** . See, it’s not an English name—it’s an Arabic name—so whatever phonetic spelling works for you is cool with me. Although… can I offer an observation over the phonetic English spellings of religious names?

LAST STORY: Of course.

MOHAMMED: There are lots of names in the Judeo-Christian culture that begin with the letter “J”—Jesus, Jonah, Job, Judas, Judah, John, Jerusalem, Joseph, Jacob, Joshua, and so forth. The problem is, in Hebrew, the letter J doesn’t exist. And the sound doesn’t exist either. In fact, the Hebrew pronunciation of Jerusalem is “Yirusalem.” I don’t know why you English-speaking folks insist on using the J so frickin’ much. You call the followers of Moses the Jews, the Jews speak Hebrew, and the J doesn’t exist in Hebrew. It’s strange, man. But I guess that’s par for the course—Germans call their country Deutschland, yet you insist on calling it Germany. Whatever.

LAST STORY: What are your opinions regarding the other religions of the world? Let’s begin with Buddhism…

MOHAMMED: Buddhism is sort of wacky. They preach moderation in absolute terms, which seems mildly contradictory, doesn’t it? And Buddha’s views of moderation apparently didn’t extend to the buffet table. Have you seen the statues of Buddha in those Chinese restaurants? The dude must weigh 300 pounds! Say what you want about me, Jesus, and Moses, but at least we can fit into a pair of Levis.

LAST STORY: You mentioned Jesus and Moses, who are affiliated primarily with the other two monotheistic religions of the world, Judaism and Christianity respectively. Do you feel any kinship with those individuals and the faiths they represent?

MOHAMMED: Yeah, you bet. Jesus and Moses are swell guys—I like ‘em a lot. And the three religions are all derived from the same source—a belief in a single Deity who loves us, punishes us, and likes to hear prayers before we eat. Additionally, all three religions also have specific buildings—temples, churches, and mosques—where people go to pray, donate money, and brainwash children. So there’s a lot of symmetry, you see.

LAST STORY: Right now in the Middle East, there’s a great deal of hostility between the Jews and the Muslims.

MOHAMMED: That’s a terrible, terrible thing. Do you know how all this started? Three or four thousand years ago, Abraham booted his first-born son Ishmael from his tent, along with his Mom, Hagar, when his wife Sara gave birth to Isaac. Ishmael became the father of the Arabs and Isaac’s descendants are the Jews. Basically, if Abraham could’ve afforded some decent child-care, this entire conflict could’ve been avoided. It’s sort of sad, seeing the Jews and Muslims fighting to the death over who controls some sandy real estate in the desert. Meanwhile, the Christians own Tahiti, Hawaii, and the Bahamas. Think about it: we’re bashing each other in the head over Dorito dust while Charlie Christian is dining on filet mignon.

LAST STORY: Who’s right and who’s wrong in the Arab/Israeli dispute?

MOHAMMED: Eh, I don’t wanna think about that mess. With the resources both groups are wasting on their military spending, they could’ve fed a whole lot of poor people. Israelis and Arabs have more in common than they’d like to admit—they both live in the desert, they can’t eat pork, and their high holy days include fasting. Jews and Muslims should join forces and bicker with the Christians, who live in balmy Los Angeles, consume barbecued pork ribs, and spend their high holy days eating chocolate eggs and drinking eggnog.

LAST STORY: Is Islam truly a religion of peace?

MOHAMMED: It can be, but it depends on your interpretation. I wasn’t a particularly peaceful man myself, being that I led an armed invasion and the violent overthrow of a dictator. Of course, George Washington had a pretty violent existence, too. But violence isn’t necessarily bad either—it all depends on the reason behind it. There’s good violence and bad violence.

LAST STORY: How can you defend Islam in light of the repugnant terrorist attacks and homicide bombings?

MOHAMMED: Hitler used Christianity to justify Nazism and the Holocaust, but that doesn’t mean that Christianity was at fault. I’ve noticed that some of Islam’s harshest critics in the United States are rabid right-wingers, like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. Interestingly enough, these two also support gun rights, arguing that, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, Islam doesn’t kill people either. In the case of these mindless terrorists, it’s a perverted value system that kills people. I’m personally embarrassed by these *******s, ‘cause they’re killing civilians in my name. And a good number of ‘em are named Mohammed to boot. They’re giving me a ****ty image in the world community. People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Usama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States by the public mainstream in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to bin Laden’s followers, the perception of Islam has been set back a good 60 years.

LAST STORY: Do 72 vestal virgins really await these terrorists?

MOHAMMED: Nah. They’re gonna spend the afterlife getting ****ed up the *** by Roy Cohn, Rock Hudson, and Jeffery Dahmer. And it’ll serve ‘em right.

LAST STORY: In conclusion, do you have any regrets?

MOHAMMED: Yeah… I regret making alcohol a sin. Sometimes folks just need a release. And after a long, arduous day atop a camel, popping open a nice cold beer really does help a man unwind. Ya know? That, and I regret never having a skateboard. Those things look like fun. I guess all the desert sand would jam up the wheels, though. But just once, I would’ve liked to skateboard down the sidewalk. Tony Hawk rules, baby!

admin

Our Muslim friends might not enjoy that, but I sure did!

Cybermonsters (Most Beloved Admin)

Ryck · Lion King Joined: 05 Dec 2002 Posts: 1094

quote:

People who don’t know a Muslim from a Martian hear the word “Islam” and immediately think, “Oh. That’s the religion of Usama bin Laden.” What those Al Qaeda asswipes didn’t realize was that Islam was becoming more and more accepted within Europe and the United States by the public mainstream in the days preceding 9/11. Thanks to bin Laden’s followers, the perception of Islam has been set back a good 60 years.

Very very true words!