Jokes and Funny Stories

lone-traveler · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: Jokes and Funny Stories

While doing some online research about weight loss I cam across the following story.
I hope you find it as funny as I did.

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried
every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight?
He tried the Scarsdale diet,the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
and many more. None worked. Then, one day,
he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed
a small ad that read:
Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number.
A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds."The voice replied,
"Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have
a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for
a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said,
"Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten
pounds, right to the ounce

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied,"Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him,
"Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man
receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees
a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign
around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
The chase took a good while longer this time and the man
nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was
through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost
another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought
to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again
and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do
you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight
to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy,
here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative
over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens
the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his
neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to have YOU."

Laughing

hugs
lone

Nobby · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject:

absolutly

That's and old one it's still funny. Very Happy

knuckle · Young Wolf Joined: 18 Sep 2006 Posts: 501

Hi All----------

Buddy of mine sent me this

DEAR ABBY:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hangout with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!!!!

much love-----------knuckle

knuckle · Young Wolf Joined: 18 Sep 2006 Posts: 501

Hi All------------

Thought you might like this too

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

much love-----------knuckle

Ana · Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:33 am Post subject:

Those were awesome, knuckle! Very Happy

atoz · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:27 am Post subject:

George Carlin (Absolutely Brilliant)

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . .
you BECOME 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony.
YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk!
He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong?
What's changed?

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!
You MAKE IT to 60. Y
ou didn't think you would!

So you
BECOME 21,
TURN 30,
PUSH 40,
REACH 50
and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing;
you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30 ;
you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards;
"I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health :
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

With the Love that loves moment to moment,
atoz

Nobby · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject:

Hi atoz, you missed Age 39! I was there for the longest time! All of a sudden it was my wife & I's 50th anniversary & I was 69 years old! Don't know where it all went! Very Happy