Church/religion Jokes

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:50 am Post subject: Church/religion Jokes

The Joy of Christmas Cards

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:53 am Post subject:

Q: HOW MANY METHODISTS DOES IT TAKE
TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip
bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is
planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your
choice and a covered dish.
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:54 am Post subject:

How many Assmbly of God church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, he already has his hands in the air.
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 1:10 pm Post subject:

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.

"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Nobby · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:45 pm Post subject:

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:36 am Post subject:

How Many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb

How Many Christians Does It Take..

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Pentecostal:
Only one.
Hands already in the air.

Presbyterian:
None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Catholic:
None.
Candles only.

Southern Baptist:
At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change
and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalian:
Three.
One to call the electrician,
one to mix the drinks, and
one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormon:
Five.
One man to change the bulb and
four wives to tell him how to do it.

Methodist:
Undetermined.
Whether your light is
bright, dull, or
completely burned out, you are loved.
You can be a
light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Church-wide lighting service is planned
for Sunday.
Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene:
Six.
One woman to replace the bulb while
five men review church guide on lighting policy.

Lutheran:
None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Church of Christ:
They do not use light bulbs because
there is no evidence of their use
in the New Testament.

Unitarian:
We choose not to make a statement either
in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose
a modern dance about your bulb for next
Sunday's service, during which we will explore
a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life,
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths
to luminescence.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Nobby · Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:44 pm Post subject:

Nuf said on light bulb jokes! Very Happy

_________________
Much Love Nobby
CVP Smilies
dictionary Bible

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:10 pm Post subject:

AN OLD PREACHER WAS DYING

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

shepreach · Cobra Joined: 08 Nov 2003 Posts: 493 Location: ga

dbb,
missed you. love the jokes.
luv ya!
sheila
_________________
a servant in Christ

I'm wounded sore but not yet slain, I'll lie and bleed awhile then rise to fight again.
--?

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:17 am Post subject:

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . .they're cramming for their final exam. (George Carlin)
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:18 am Post subject:

10 Top Reasons to be an Episcopalian

From the comedian Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, on an HBO special:

10. No snake handling.

9. You can believe in dinosaurs.

8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.

7. You don't have to check your brains at the door.

6. Pew aerobics.

5. Church year is color-coded.

4. Free wine on Sunday.

3. All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.

2. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

and the Number One to be an Episcopalian:

1. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:09 am Post subject:

This joke was reprinted from Baltimore, Maryland's Northern County Psychiatric Associates' webpage

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's...........
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:23 pm Post subject:

Q&A: The Supreme Court, the Ten Commandments, and You
From Reuters:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A divided U.S. Supreme Court declared on Monday it was unconstitutional to post framed copies of the Ten Commandments in county courthouses but permissible to have a commandments monument on the grounds of a state Capitol.

The two 5-4 rulings on the politically charged issue involving Ten Commandments displays on government property came in a pair of cases that have been widely regarded as the most important of the court term concerning church-state separation.

In one decision, the high court ruled that Kentucky officials went too far by posting framed copies of the Ten Commandments on the walls of the courthouses in McCreary and Pulaski counties.

Part of the distinction between the two rulings turned on the intent of government officials concerning the displays and whether they conveyed a religious message.

Q: So, can I display the 10 Commandments at my courthouse?
A: It depends.

Q: Depends on what?
A: Intent. If you want to display them for historical purposes in an ecumenical way, go right ahead.

Q: So if I believe that everyone should follow them because they’re the Word of God-?
A: Then you can’t display them on government property.

Q: But if I think they have historical importance as an early set of man’s laws-?
A: Go right ahead.

Q: How does my intent matter to a Buddhist?
A: What?

Q: A Buddhist, who come to court to argue a traffic ticket, sees the Commandments and not the Eightfold Path, and figures that the system is stacked against him. How does this affect him?
A: Oh, um, it doesn’t. Not really.

Q: But isn’t that the point of this ruling, one way or the other? To decide whether the public advocacy of one religion or another is fair or discriminatory?
A: Uh, no.

Q: I thought it was. Since when is discrimination based solely on conscious intent?
A: It’s not.

Q: Aren’t you opening up a whole new class of possible legal infractions here, like “2nd degree metaphysical discrimination” and “involuntary hate crime” and things?
A: I’m not following you.

Q: Well, by making two somewhat contradictory rulings about the Commandments, aren’t you really saying nothing at all?
A: There’re finer points here that you’re not-

Q: No, seriously, it’s like you’re ignoring what the fight’s about in the first place. Rather than focussing on whether the display of the Commandments really harms anyone, you’re making it about why it’s done.
A: And?

Q: Well, that strikes me as a giant cop-out from a Court that’s too intimidated to make sweeping decisions. Right?
A: That does it! Take him away!

Q: Hey, wha- leggo! On what grounds?
A: Uh, “misdemeanor failing to honor you father and mother.”

Q: You’re not my parents.
A: Okay, then, uh, “2nd degree coveting your neighbor’s ass.”

Q: That’s a lie!
A: Oh, come on, we’ve seen your neighbor. How could you not covet that ass?

Q: Well, it is pretty firm-looking but-
A: Case closed. Take him away and torture him, but without meaning to…
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr

lone-traveler · Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:45 pm Post subject:

> Subject: FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
>
>
>> > > >>> Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
>
>> > > >>>St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see
> you.
>
>> > > >>>"We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that
>> > > >>>the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an
> entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
> pass it, before you can get into Heaven."
>
>> > > >>>Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir.
> But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam. I shor hope that
> the Test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test, as it was."
>
>> > > >>>St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test
> is only three questions.
>
>> > > >>>First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?
>
>> > > >>>Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?
>
>> > > >>>Third: What is God's first name?"
>
>> > > >>>Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next
>
>> > > >>>day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that
> you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
> answers."
>
>> > > >>>Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the
> week, begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.
>> > > >>>That would be, Today and Tomorrow."
>
>> > > >>>The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that
>> > > >>>is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I
> guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.
> How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
>
>> > > >>>"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
> Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only
> answer, can be twelve."
>
>> > > >>>Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how, in
> Heaven's name, could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
>
>> > > >>>Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
>
>> > > >>>January 2nd,
>
>> > > >>>February 2nd,
>
>> > > >>>March 2nd.

>> > > >>>"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going
> with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what
>> > > >>>I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit, for that
> one, too. Let us go on with the third, and final question. Can you
> tell me God's first name"?
>
>> > > >>>"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
>
>> > > >>>Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St Peter.
>
>> > > >>>"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my
>
>> > > >>>first two questions, but just how, in the world, did you come
> up with the name Andy, as the first name of God?"
>
>> > > >>>"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
> learnt it from the song. ..
>
>> > > >>>"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM
> HIS OWN. . . "
>
>> > > >>>St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest,
> run."
>
>> > > >>>Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
>> > > >>>Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some
>> > > >>>humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folk.
>

Da Blonde Bombshell · Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:57 am Post subject:

Very semi-contemporary with the Forrest Gump reference.

As far as God's name, somebody said he must be Irish because his last name has the "Capital O-apostrophe prefix like "O'Reilley" and "O'Rourke"

What do you mean, someone else asked.

"Well, people always say his name as God O'Mighty".
_________________
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials." (James 1:2)

"The tendency to claim God as an ally for our partisan values and ends is the source of all religious fanaticism." -Reinhold Niebuhr