I need some help too...

MoJo · Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:59 am Post subject:

You might consider that what I've said is harsh, eleven, but I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm saying it from experience.

Do you really think it's better for this family as a whole to suffer more financial hardship and possible resentment because the husband won't face up to his shortcomings?

Is it a loving thing to cling to your own pride or lusts or obsessions when it means hardship for everyone else when the whole matter could be resolved by facing the facts? How many years will it take to recognize that what they are doing and have been doing for twelve years is not working?

Is it good advice to say to CW, hey, I know you're bending over backwards, but just bend over a little more and maybe that will work?

Sad

_________________
matt 6: 34 "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

ShardikSon · Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject:

eleven · Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject:

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Mojo...
I don't think you are being too harsh. Maybe I can elaborate a bit on my husbands business...
I understand what you're saying bc I often cry out to God, "how many more years Lord??...how many more years??" Crying or Very sad

And now that we have 2 more children, this reality feels heavy to me again...hence my orig. post to begin with.

However... His business has grown over the years overall. He has customers who come from all over [different states] to work on their cars, he has built quite a reputation now. The shop he leases now is VERY large and he can't keep up with the customers...it's not like ther is a lack of work, KWIM?

I go back and forth [in my head of course] bc I want to support him and encourage him [ as the bible says I should] but then as the years pass and nothing changes I feel he should just give it up...but then feel "guilty" bc I"m not supporting him Embarassed

I truely believe he is gifted from God in his mechanics...BUT....the question seems to me, how is this business giving God glory?? Afterall..isn't giving God Glory what we are here for??

He can't just walk away from it now. As I said earlier, he is bound in a lease for his shop. He has more work than he can handle by himself, but can't find ANYONE to help him. This is a major problem. He only has 2 hands! The emplyees he has had have lied to him, stolen stuff,take advantage of him, are unreliable,ect... not to mention, are not knowledgeable enough with cars to be an asset. This puts my husband in a very hard place. I've suggested that he maybe run an ad and hire someone with more experience, but this doesn't help him as far as trustng someone enough to open the shop in the mornings...he can't just give his keys to anyone.

So...

This is the way things stand now. Every check he gets from his regular pipefitting job get directly deposited in the checking acount...he never even sees the check. That money goes then to all the bills of our home and groceries. It is barely enough to get by anymore now that we have 4 children and prices have gone up. I have struggled with working myself...should I? Maybe open my home daycare again to compensate....but I haven't found any children available in my area as of yet...my eyes are open "just in case". But my husband doesn't like that idea. He thinks my hands are far too filled now with our 4 children...I agree, but his paycheck doesn't cover everything anymore. I know God is providing for us bc to look at our bank account and then our bills..there's NO way we should be making it Embarassed

yet somehow we do Wink

We may not have real nice and new things, but we lack nothing...there is always food on the table, Praise God!!

Now...

I want to add this...

Last night [a nd for several months now] my husband is no longer happy with the current situation. Crying or Very sad

He just last night came home very depressed again. As he was sitting at the kitchen table eating his dinner [at midnight Rolling Eyes

] he wasn't saying much...I asked "are you ok?" his reply was the same as always..." just peachy..another day in paradise Confused or disgusted

" He grumbled and complained about how he kicks his butt for 80-90 hours a week only to get nowhere. Crying or Very sad

"WHY am I getting nowhere??" he grumbled to me... " If this is ' it' and I"m suppose to bust my butt every minute of every day, without any time for hobbies, my family, or ANYTHING then oh-joy! what a,life! #evil

" He just went on and on and on while I sat there and listened.

You see...he's not even happy anymore...and there's nothing he can do about it [as it seems] ...which is why this whole situation bothers me more and more.

There is one thing I BELIEVE he can do about it, which is to totally give his heart and his business to God. Which is where my delema was in the beginning of this post....I believe if he would just get over the fact that NO, he can't do it alone [ without God ] then things will never change. I feel there is one thing standing in his way...something that has made his heart so hard that he can't see the truth in this..and that's his pride Crying or Very sad

As you pointed out Mojo...his pride has most certainly gotten in the way..I agree. But.... how to resolve this??

Someone here asked me [ can't remember who Embarassed

, eleven maybe? ] " what makes you think you both need to be on the same page spiritually anyhow?" Although I agree, we don't have to be on the same page.... it also seems to me though that until he submits to God with his whole heart and hands this business over to Him...then I just don't see any change coming. Maybe I"m wrong... but deep down I don't think so. This is why I"ve come here to ask you all for help.
I feel helpless... Crying or Very sad

I"ve prayed for him, with him, over him ... I've been supportive, I"ve been not so supportive [ Embarassed

]

But the bottom line, as he pointed out last night while grumbling at the table... we can NOT make it without extra income from his regular pipefitting job. If he had to rely on his paycheck to now cover HIS gas, and everything extra we do for the kids, ect... it's clearly not enough...so as he said last night " I"ll be working 2 jobs forever no matter what Confused or disgusted

"
This is a sad reality...

So what's the solution??

So here's the ' nutshell' if you will...

---->I have a husband who truely IS a work-aholic, NO doubt about it. The man has ants in his pants and could never sit still for 10 minutes if his life depended on it Rolling Eyes

-----> He has a business for 12 years now that he has built up all on his own, with PLENTY of customer base, but NO reliable help, and his 2 hands can only do so much.

----> He DOES love the Lord and his family...but has lost sight of them along the way....

----> His business has grown over the years, but with only his 2 hands, I don't think it can grow much more. He simply can NOT do any more work than he already does, period. He must find good help.

And now...he is no longer happy, but can not even walk away if he wanted to [ which ultimately I don't think he does...part of that is pride absolutely ] but the bottom line, he is no longer happy.

something MUST change...but what??? I simply can see no other way out than God...is that because I"m on a different "page" than him spiritually?? Does that make it wrong??

I just don't know what to DO anymore.. Crying or Very sad

Now I"ll say this again....since I"ve been praying in certain areas from the time I started this post...the room HAS gotten lighter when he's home Very Happy

Praise God!!

But....

The problems are still there.... It's to the point where if he asks me one more time, "what should I do??" I just want to say, " you don't want to hear what I REALLY think you should do..." And lay it out for him spiritually. But, as people have said here...I shouldn't [ and I don't ] push anything [ spiritually ] on hm. I've given it over to God...time and time again. I simply want this "wall" torn down!

so you see... is his pride in the way? yes..absolutely. Am I harboring resentment?? yes, I believe so Crying or Very sad

BUT...my love and respect for him is in NO way compromised. I"m extremely proud of what he has accomplished over the years.

Now here I stand [ or sit actually Laughing

] with the delema, "how do I support my husband??" How do I handle the situations that have recently been occuring in the past few months when he gets angry with me for spending time in scripture?? How do I encourage him to focus even just one -tenth of his energy on God and STOP trying to do it all himself??
HOW??

I"m sorry...I'm going on and on Embarassed

I guess I just felt the need to ' open the door' a little more and explain our situation, forgive me for the length of this Embarassed

I truely appriciate every single response I"ve gotten here in this thread...it has opened my heart to several areas that I found I need to focus on myself and not pass on to my husband. I realy DO need to turn and face him more when he's home and give him my full attention, he needs me....I ' get' that. And again I'll say, God has lifted my mood when he's home just this past week with more prayer in that area. Wink

so anyhow... This is where I"m at. I don't want to hold onto resentment...I don't. I agree we should communicate more...but even ' when' is an issue . He comes home SO beat after midnight, and so am I Rolling Eyes

..and sunday..well.. it would be our only chance to talk it seems...I"ll have to find a way I guess.

He's so depressed anymore Crying or Very sad

He's SO tired...he works SO hard...and I love him SO much.

I hope this post brought more clearity to our situation and not confusion Laughing

any more thoughts?? please, please... if you feel led, my ears are open. Wink

_________________
____________________

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
ROMANS 12:2

eleven · Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:50 am Post subject:

OK! Finally we are getting to the truth!

Seems to me this is the first time you have been totally open and honest. Thank you for that!

If I might make an observation here, because this has struck me from the beginning -

I keep hearing about all HIS shortcomings, and all HIS pride, and all HIS selfishness, but all I hear from you CW is what YOU can't do.

So what CAN you do?
You told me you love this man, and he loves you, and he's working very hard to support this family and so on, and there is NO way he can quit his pipefitting job, or get out of this lease. So then, that doesn't appear to be an option, so why keep harping on it?

What can YOU do to help take the pressure off him?
First off, I think you said your two older children are 15 and 13. You mean to tell me, they can't babysit for you while you go the shop for a few hours a day to help?

Could YOU do some marketing for him?
Could you handle some phone calls or paperwork for him?
Do ordering?
Run errands?
Run and ad for help wanted, then screen the applicants for him?

If your husband is depressed, chances are it's because he's exhausted!!! You said he often doesn't get home until 1 AM, then gets up at 5:30AM. The man is not a machine! Eventually, it's got to get to him!

The last thing he needs is for you to tell him what he is doing WRONG. My gosh - how much more dedicated to a family could the man be??

As far as, how is his car business work for God----
Again, you are trying to dictate your husband's spirituality, and you can't do that - for him or anyone else.

Obviously God had given your husband artistic talent, and it is in using the talents God gives us in a productive way that brings joy to our hearts. So if he is doing something he loves, that is spiritual because it nourishes the soul.

Basically what I'm saying is, you want your husband to change, but right now, he can't do that. The only option left is for you to make some changes, and I think the most productive and effective way to do that is to go help him in his business, not start another one of your own. Good Lord, don't you guys have enough problems already, you want to invite MORE in??

Hope this helps.
_________________
Pain is inevitable;
misery is optional.

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Evee · Moderator Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 676

eleven · Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:59 pm Post subject:

Hi CW1-

I read your post this morning, but didn't have time to answer.

So here I am , but it seems Evee has taken care of all this for me, because I agree with everything she said.
Laughing

So let's see if we can narrow it down a little more.

You need two incomes, so either your husband has to quit one, and you go to work - giving him more time to relax. But you have already said, this is not an option because of the income and the lease. So it seems you are going to have to fix the situation you are in now.

What needs to be accomplished here?

Hubby needs more time off. That seems to be the root of your problem, no??

So make it your goal to figure out how to get it done!!!
The both of you.

But as Evee brought up, and this is a good one:
It isn't even clear if YOUR goals are the same as HIS goals.

I think you guys need to nail this one down. Constructively. All I'm hearing here is what you both can't do, or won't do. How about focusing on what you CAN do and WILL do to improve your family life?

You said you're not on the same page spiritually.
Hunny, you're not even on the same page routinely!

You're both just living day to day floating like a boat going round in circles. What are your goals?
And I don't mean, what are your goals CW
And what are his goals, but what are YOUR goal together as a family?

You had better find a common ground or your boat is going to sink.

Finally, you keep saying give it over to God.
I'm not going to reply to this right now until YOU tell me what "giving it over to God" means to you, and what you expect God to do about it.
_________________
Pain is inevitable;
misery is optional.

Luvnlife · Lion King Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 1271 Location: US

Just a couple of questions:

Is there any way your family could reduce the cost of living? Are you renting or buying? If you're buying, are your mortgage payments burying you alive? Would you spiritually/economically/physically be better off if you moved to a different location? Are there any other areas where you could cut expenses (clothing, eating out, cable, DSL, magazine/newspaper subscriptions, gym memberships etc...) that might make it feasible for him to work less hours? My daughter and I shop garage sales, consignment stores and watch for huge deep-pocket discounts at department stores.

As far as the employee dilemma, I think 11 may have hit upon a good idea or two. I wonder if the two of you have considered hiring someone who is getting ready to graduate from a mechanics course at a local technical college? You may find that such an applicant has a little more loyalty because you are giving them an opportunity to work in their chosen field. The college may also follow up with you to see how the student/graduate is working out so you may have a little additional support in that area.

Luv
_________________
Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Biblegateway Christian Viewpoints

MoJo · Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:04 pm Post subject:

CW, thanks for your heartfelt reply.

Before offering anymore opinions, I would really like to know more details about how this car business operates. You said customers come in to work on their cars. Do you mean that your husband provides the space for them to work on their own cars? You also said he works on them, so I'm a little unsure what the work relationship is between him and the customers.

You said he often gets home very late. Is the shop open to customers very late too?

You also said the income from this business only covers the business expenses. Does this mean your husband takes no salary for himself from the business?

If you find these question too personal, I don't want to push, but it would help me understand this better.

Personally, I think you are both too tired for clear thinking and big decisions should never be made under such stressful conditions.

Smile

_________________
matt 6: 34 "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Thank you for ALL your help everyone...you've all given me great things to think about. Very Happy

Evee...you asked what I mean by saying "if he would just give it over to God" I guess what I"m basically referring to is complete submission to God and turning to Him for direction. ...but you know, the more I think about it the more I realize it's about being born again and we all know that we have no control over that...it has to be the Holy Spirit that leads us. God will move him in HIS time I guess....I know my husband loves the Lord. And like you said, how do I know when he prays? good point, thank you. I really don't. He tells me that he does...just not daily. But I need to really let go and let God take over....He hears my prayers, He knows our situation...He won't let us down!
So basically I think my frustrations are only because he still thinks he can do this business by himself....but I have no control over his spiritual walk, I really don't.

eleven... I like how your reply was focusing on what we CAN do Wink

You're right..we can not change the way things are now. He's committed in his lease and that's that. soooo....let's go from there.
I'm waking up this morning with a hunger to really sit down and talk about our goals as a family Very Happy

We must find time to do this... not that we haven't talked before, but it's time again for a "good one" Wink

Thank you for encouraging me...
I know it sounds like I assume a lot of things, but really...if you knew more details of how our conversations go and how things are run at his shop you would clearly see I"m not assuming much at all...but there's no way you could fully understand the situation unless you walk it...so your encouraging words to get these goals in order have meant a lot to me, thank you!

I often offer my physical help at the shop, but he insists there's nothing I can do...not even answer the phones for him bc everyone who calls has questions about cars and I"m not knowledgeable in that area....but there must be something I can do...I"m really going to think on this and give all your suggestions some more thought.

Evee... you said you don't believe he's a workaholic, but I look back 17 years...even before his business...when it first began...he really can't sit still. His father is the same way, so was his brother and his grand father...but he's just exhausted now. He really wouldn't know what to do with himself if he were home every night. Well...he would love it for a while, but then he'd be itching to get his hands dirty again...and that's OK.

You know...gosh...I sit here this morning and I"m just amazed at how God created myself and my husband...I mean really! He has blessed me with such patience and knowledge to care for our children and home and He has blessed my husband with knowledge of cars and business. ..it truly is amazing. If there's one thing I've gotten from this thread of advice from you all it's to stop trying to change the things I can't and to change the things I can . I think I need to just continue on MY spiritual walk and continue to ask God for help for myself so that I can better help my husband in the areas he needs. Of course I don't have control over my husbands submission to God, only God does!

It's time to sit down with Matt [my husband] and figure things out...because as you said eleven, I surely do NOT want our boat to ever sink! no way...no way...

I am born again...my hunger is for God. Matt is not there yet, his hunger is for success. Even though this puts waves on our waters here, it's not up to me to calm them. I simply must trust that God is working in him the way that He needs to right now...right? Wink

We are celebrating Matt's birthday today. We are having a picnic here...his birthday is actually on Tuesday, but I really want today to be special for him...to celebrate him. I want him to really know how much we appreciate him and respect him...I am very grateful for my husband. Wink

_________________
____________________

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
ROMANS 12:2

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

eleven · Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:19 am Post subject:

MoJo · Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:30 am Post subject:

Hi CW. I hope you and your family have a God blessed day.

Your problem has been weighing on my mind. I see you are starting to think along the right courses of action. Nobody can give you the answers as none of us know all the details, nor the workings of that type of business. However, certain things are fundamental to all businesses.

I can only tell you what I think I would do if I was in this situation. So I will offer some suggestions based on that.