I need some help too...

Luvnlife · Lion King Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 1271 Location: US

Hello ChristianWoman1;

As far as the questions eleven asked, I had similar questions in my mind when I read your post.

I was married once before to a man who was not faithful to me.

I am now married to a man who is faithful and loving. He is the epitome of a good man. He believes in God. He believes in the bible. He supports me going to church, taking our daughter to church and reading the bible at home.

I support and show love to him by helping out around the house and helping support our household. I also support him by spending quality time with him and being there when he needs me.

Your husband is working a lot of overtime and so you don't get to spend much quality time with him. He's working to support the family and ensure a brighter future for your family. That makes things hard on you but it is also hard on him.

I wonder if you are studying the bible during this precious time to avoid intimate conversation and bonding with him because you are upset that he is not spending enough time at home. My oldest daughter used to tell me that I was 'passive-agressive' with her dad when I was angry with him. Being honest, yes, I was sometimes. It was my way of letting him know I was upset and/or of gaining a little control over a situation I had no control over.

You have a golden opportunity here. You have time in the morning that you and your husband could be spending together before you both head off to your separate responsibilities. You could make breakfast for both of you and have a cup of coffee (if you drink it) together and talk to each other. He sounds like a great guy.

I have had people tell me how "sad" it is that my husband doesn't attend church. I'm not sad. I know he loves God and he lives his life accordingly. He has a good, strong heart and treats people with love and respect. He is charitable sometimes to a fault. Jesus is our judge and Jesus knows that. Your husband sounds much like mine. Please appreciate him for what and who he is. You have other times you can study.

If you focus on your husband for a little while each day, your love and your relationship will strengthen and grow. You'll never regret it and that is in keeping with what the bible teaches.

Luv
_________________
Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Biblegateway Christian Viewpoints

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

thank you for the kind words Luv, I appriciate it.

My husband IS a good man Wink

I love him so very much and respect him completley. He does go to church with us every sunday morning...we never miss. He supports the big kids being involved with church activities like sunday school, youth group, bible study ect...we're up there alot Laughing

I think what I"ve gotten most out of everyone's responses so far is that I need to just pay more attention to him. I think I"m the one holding resentment for him not being here and me raising the kids alone all these years Embarassed

When he first started this business [about 3years into it] I began getting frustrated with his absence....but I was told by several people to just "be patient..give his business a chance"...and I have been...and here we are 12 years later and nothing has changed.
I need to let go of this resentment.

There really is no time with him in the morning...he leaves just 10 minutes after he get up . He doesn't get to bed until almost 1:00AM most nights and he's up again by 5:30AM...he's completely exhausted. Crying or Very sad

I"m afraid for his health! How many years can he go on with such a schedule??
And like I said before...I DO make his coffee and pack his lunch every morning and 'send him off ' on his way...it's not much, but it's something.

I defiinetly see the areas where I need to make some changes [ my attitude for one]..but I also see where he too needs to put his family first .

I 'm starting to think this is no coincidence...We all know that satan can't stand when we reach for God and strive to grow closer to Him Confused or disgusted

Things got much worse around here a few months back when I began this spiritual "growth spurt" Rolling Eyes

...I think satan has his hands all over it Confused or disgusted

There's nothing more he would love to see more than me and my husband pulling apart.

I"ve got to remember that the next time I feel annoyed with my husband.

Thank you for your advice again...I truely appriciate it.
_________________
____________________

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
ROMANS 12:2

MoJo · Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject:

I have a brother who spent most of his married life working in the states (we're from Canada) away from his family and wife. He only came home on weekends. He did it to provide for his family because he could make considerably more money in the states.

After twenty years they got divorced. Money is never a substitute for spending time with your family, even if you have to do with less.

My husband is a contractor and every customer insists they need their work done right away and in a hurry. He used to work weekends to satisfy them until he just said no more. He just nicely puts his foot down about it and he hasn't lost one customer over it.

He also does not hire people who are unreliable and don't show up for work. Anyone who tried it was quickly put straight.

It sounds like both you and your husband are way too lenient with other people and they will take advantage if you let them. Your husband should explain to people that their work will be done in a realistic time frame.

You both need to control the situation rather than let it control you.

Smile

_________________
matt 6: 34 "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Dust · Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject:

Hey ChristianWoman,

I think what the situation boils down to is the difference between men and women. Your view of the situation has more of an emotional slant, where as your husbands view is slanted more toward practical matters.

You both work hard, I mean four kids and the youngest is 1-1/2. I don't know how you do it. I commend you! Your husband works just as hard. His mindset is geared towards keeping food on the table, and maintaining a certain standard of living, and/or striving for a better standard of living. Judging from your post, I would say your husband has a Proverbs 31 woman. He is more than likely striving to make things better, working two jobs, growing the business, in an effort to make YOUR life better.

Look, I know women want and need emotional bonding, and actually emotional maintenance, but from your husband’s point of view, he at least once told you that he loves you, probably has even demonstrated it to your satisfaction a time or two. In his mind, that you know he loves you is settled/proven, and he now has to focus on his responsibility of providing for the family.

I think he probably needs to become more aware of your emotional needs, but you need to understand his position as well, and allow for it.

Also from your OP I would say...you are not getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can result in a more emotional state.

I just hope and pray that you never begin to think that life might be better in some other relationship. All relationships have problems.

I wish you the best.
_________________
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all. Amen.

Luvnlife · Lion King Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 1271 Location: US

ChristianWoman:

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Dust..thank you for your post...you really said everything so well..it hit home for me, thank you!
_________________
____________________

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
ROMANS 12:2

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

I took your advice this morning Luv...thanks Wink

_________________
____________________

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
ROMANS 12:2

eleven · Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:13 am Post subject:

Evee · Moderator Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 676

CW1,

Just some thoughts while I've read so far. I'll agree w/the other poster who said your husband really has a Proverbs 31 wife. So congratulations for that! It's not easy to achieve. Very Happy

And it also sounds like your husband is trying his best to provide for all of you the best way he knows how--through work. My brother in-law is like that. His idea of taking care of his family is to work, work, work. But, in his first marriage, it was one of the reasons why it ended in divorce unfortunately. Sad

So, what can be done to avoid that? As another poster said, communication plays a big role in this. It seems like both of you are conflict avoiders, a relationship killer. Communicating your frustrations with each other, with the house, the children, all of that are essential to a good marriage. Go to God in prayer asking for the right words & then communicate that to your husband. You'll probably be surprised at what his concerns are once you come to him w/your concerns.

It's good to see that your husband is looking for a replacement for his lazy worker. It's so hard to find good help, isn't it? Razz

Once he has a reliable worker, then maybe you'll see him a bit more than now.

I like that idea of taking one night a week to go eat w/hubby. I think he'd appreciate that. At least until he can get rid of the worker. That will probably help things a lot.

I know you want specific study time w/your Bible in hand. I commend you for that! You say your day is too filled to spend time in the Word. How about if you include the children w/you? Make a VBS of sorts at home? When my husband & I were seperated, I started Bible time w/the kids. Specific time of the day was dedicated to me & the kids in Bible time. We read a passage & then discussed it. It was very enriching hearing all the opinions that teenagers have to give! You might enjoy that! Especially if your older children are strong in their faith. Just an idea.
_________________
Don't get caught in the trap of thinking you know everything God has to say b/c you've read the Bible. Remember, God is STILL speaking. And surprisingly, through people we DON'T expect.

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

MoJo · Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:28 am Post subject:

Well, I guess I must be crazy because CW I totally disagree with your approach to this whole thing. The advice you have received so far might temporarily change your attitude toward how you handle the resentment, but it will not serve you well in the long run unless your husband also changes his.

You have tried to paint your husband as such a loving good man and I dare say he might be, but his actions are completely selfish and misguided.

For one, if a business is not profitable within the first 5 - 7 years, it never will be unless major changes in marketing this business happen. Your husband has no time to market it. Maintaining this business for twelve years and now sacrificing the paycheck for it is throwing good money after bad.

One would have to ask why your husband keeps doing it. The answer is simple; pride. He does not want to admit failure - a totally man thing. What he does not recognize, is that it is already a failure. You are not doing him, nor yourself, nor your family a favor by not recognizing this truth. But I understand it, because it's easier to let things keep on sliding by than to confront them head on. You will bear the burden on your shoulders rather than wake him up to his responsibilities.

Been there, done that.

Smile

_________________
matt 6: 34 "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

eleven · Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:47 am Post subject: