Need Some Help in Responding to Situation

Evee · Moderator Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 676

This question is mostly for my fellow brothers & sisters who have been in this type of situation before. I'm unsure how to handle at this point & need the input of others that are walking this walk w/me.

This is long so bear w/me please. Here goes -- A friend of mine has been married to an alcoholic for 18 years. The alcoholism has gotten worse & I've found out that he has shoved her in the past. He also has verbally abused her. Now, she's not perfect. There has been a lot of flirtation on her part w/other men. Probably b/c she's not receiving the affection at home. No matter right now if that's right or wrong, it just is.

One day at a cookout, he had gotten drunk as usual, got upset about something as usual & drove off in a huff. Afraid for his safety & the safety of innocent victims, I encouraged her to call the police & have him stopped for a DUI. He was. Angry at her & not wanting to see her, he left again after being brought home. She called the police again. He was picked up again. This time he was dropped off at his sister's house, furious w/her & claiming he was filing for a divorce b/c she "humiliated" him. He will now have to serve some time in jail (like 30 days I think).

I have no doubt that she did the right thing. After him harassing her, showing up at their house, shoving her out of his way, I encouraged her to file an order of protection against him. They granted an emergency PFA but when filing for a permanent one later, she was told that since the children were the only ones to witness the shoving, they would have to give testimony. She didn't want to put the children through that, neither did he, so they both agreed not to file the PFA & he agreed to leave her alone.

Recently, I have discovered that my friend has been seeing someone else. Her husband has only been gone almost a month. She started seeing this gentleman one week after her husband moved out, claiming she is lonely & this man gives her the attention & love she was missing for so many years. She knows that I believe that one is committing adultery until you are divorced, even if you are seperated. She doesn't. Yet, she wants me to meet this guy & to be "happy for her". I cannot do that. I think if I do that I will be enabling her & encouraging her to commit an act I believe is a sin.

Last night, her husband called me that he has suspicion my friend & this guy's "relationship" became sexual. He is devastated & said that he is getting help for his alcohol addiction (although forced to) & hopes to reconcile w/his family. After hearing him talk, my heart melted in empathy for him as I too have experienced betrayal first hand. I could feel for him. I was so angry w/him for doing the things he did to my best friend/sister for so long yet when I heard him weep, I had so much compassion for this man. How hard it must be to be so lost in an addiction that you don't realize you're destroying everything around you.

Now onto the question (I know it's longwinded sorry) -- How do I support her when I think what she's doing is wrong? I have prayed for answers & I felt led to come here for answers. Perhaps you, my brothers & sisters in Christ can help me get those answers. Thank you so much for listening.
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ragman13 · German Shepherd Joined: 07 Jul 2007 Posts: 325

Hi Evee, sounds like your friend is in a real pickle. Let me first start with a disclaimer, that I am not now or never have been a licensed councilor. Smile

I agree with you 100% you can not endorse this relationship. Your friend needs to take some time alone. She is letting her feelings control her and must stop long enough to figure herself out. Her life is a mess.

She also has children that she needs to put first before her own feelings. The best outcome for her children would be for her to try and reconcile with her husband, if he can change. If she continues in her current relationship it is going to make it difficult to do the right thing for her children. I would tell her to quit putting herself before her children.

In His service
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ShardikSon · Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:04 am Post subject:

Simply put, you have to call her on her behavior.
Then you have to get out of the way, and let them work it out. Pray for them, and stay out of the way.
You have to love and support both of them, but you cannot be in the middle of it.
If you put yourself between them, you will be crushed under the weight of their relationship, and when it is all done, both will despise you. This I can tell you from experience.
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"Logic is a defined process for going wrong with confidence and certainty" - CF Kettering
“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. “- Mohandas Gandhi
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my soul rejoices in my God...
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ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

This one sentence you wrote really stood out to me:

How hard it must be to be so lost in an addiction that you don't realize you're destroying everything around you.

How true that is! Crying or Very sad

I agree with you also...you can not compromise your faith because she wants you to 'be happy for her', no way.

I also agree with both ragman and shard....wise words.

God bless your friend. I pray it all works out.
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Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
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RevJP · Moderator Joined: 18 Apr 2003 Posts: 7005 Location: USA

Evee, one cannot support what is wrong.

Both individuals need help, she has just as much wrong with her as her husband does himself, just in different areas.

Suggest counseling for her, and him, and step out of the way. Let her know you are there for her, and will always be there when she gets her act together.

He will eventually learn of his problems, or come to some horrible fate - killing someone on the road, killing himself, or spending a lot of time in jail. Unfortunately it sometimes takes something that extreme for an addict to go into true recovery.
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Evee · Moderator Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 676

ShardikSon · Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 8:42 am Post subject:

Evee · Moderator Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 676

ChristianWoman1 · Labrador Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 300

Pete · Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject:

Evee,
unfortunately, your friend has just about killed any chance of her husband taking the cure. The worst thing that could happen is for your friend, not only to reject her husband, but by carrying on an affair in his absence is unexusable. She has probably put the final nail in the coffin as far as their marriage is concerned, and as far as her husband's attempt to hit the sraight and narrow. Most alcoholics suffer from low self-esteem to start with.

I'm afraid there isn't much you can do, except create heartache for yourself. Don't add to it by incurring the rancor of both parties, as I think JP suggested.

It sounds like your friend will be your friend only as long as you approve of her self-justified behavior, and for heaven's sake, don't blame yourself for anything that happens. Things could get really nasty down the line.

eleven · Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject:

Whenever I need to figure out a way to figure out a problem, I go to the Expert. How did Jesus do it?

The best thing you can do for your friend(s) is LISTEN.
They are both hurting, not to mention the children.
Listen and be there for them - without judgement.

Jesus would not aid this person in sneaking around with a boyfriend, why should you? However, He would not turn her away if she needed someone to talk to either.

It is admirable that you feel compasion for the abusive husband as well, however he needs to get his act together before returning to his wife and children. Jesus kept a very high regard for women, and despite the fact that God doesn't like divorce, He would not advocate this woman and her children being abused by this man.

It's not all that difficult as far as advice is concerned. What did Jesus say?
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

To the wife:
How would you feel if your husband was cheating on you?
To the husband: How would you like to be abused by your wife?

These are two very hurt people who need help.
Loyalty to friendship does not include being pulled into their problems. Just like a lifeguard is not expected to drown with the victim, don't put yourself in that position.
Offer serious help, but never compromise yourself.
What the two of them decide in the end is not your responsibility.
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Pain is inevitable;
misery is optional.

RevJP · Moderator Joined: 18 Apr 2003 Posts: 7005 Location: USA

Luvnlife · Lion King Joined: 22 Feb 2007 Posts: 1271 Location: US

You've received a lot of good advice here.

I also think talking to her, explaining your position (and what a bad position she is putting you in) and stepping aside is the right thing to do. I believe in forgiveness too so if she changes course and is remorseful for the pain she has caused her family and you, then you may want to allow her back in to your life.

My mother always said "Two wrongs don't make a right."

There's a lot of truth to that.

Your friend is in pain. She's in a bad relationship. But what she is doing can only make a bad situation worse.

I hope she will listen to you.

God-speed!

Luv
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Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
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Dust · Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject:

Hi Evee,

Wow, this is a tough situation, but there may be hope.

The good news is your friend’s husband is finally willing to buck-up and take care of his problem for the sake of his family.

The bad news, this is the tough part, your friend’s focus is no longer on her husband, nor her marriage, it’s on some individual, who apparently has no compunction about being with a married woman.

If you can convince your friend that this new guy is no knight-in-shinning-armor, and that he comes with a whole set of his own problems, maybe you can get her to blink long enough to divert her attention back to her husband, a man with whom she has kids, and a history (hopefully a history with at least some good times).

Then it's up to the husband. He will have to totally forgive her, and focus on rekindling the flame. Can he do it? Well I don’t know the man, but if he truly loves her, he has a good shot. He pushed her away for years, now he has to make up for it. He has to totally forgive her, for her indiscretion, while proving to her he is a new man and totally in love with her. After 18 years, he knows her, he wants her, now he has to truly show his love for her, and cherish her everyday.
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The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all. Amen.

RevJP · Moderator Joined: 18 Apr 2003 Posts: 7005 Location: USA

Here's the interesting thing about marriages and relationships involving recovering alcoholics/addicts:

Statistically it is a bit more common for those relationships to break apart after the partner has entered recovery than it is for them to break up during, or because of the addiction.

Reasons? There are a few but most of them revolve around co-dependency and/or control.

One spouse addicted and the other is either an enabler, a co-dependent with problems of their own, or they take on the role of control in the family and relationship, when the alcoholic goes into recovery they often times become more into the relationships, and the operation of the family life and marriage - the spouse then develops feelings of resentment or loses that co-dependent, or no longer has a problem to 'enable'.

In my own situation I became more in tune with what was going on in my family, more involved. If things weren't happening that I agreed with instead of taking the usual 'hands off' approach I became involved, causing resentment from my wife and children.

In counseling for addiction/alcoholism the addict learns of this problem, but the spouse does not see it unless he/she receives the same education and does something to correct the problem. The best thing to happen in a recovery setting is for both principal parties to become knowledgeable about the problems and learn tools to solve those problems.

Unfortunately I have to disagree with Dust.