just fun stuff

lone-traveler · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 3:32 pm Post subject: just fun stuff

Things to Ponder

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the Neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone In mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

If the shoe fits......buy it in every color (YES!)

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails.

lone-traveler · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 3:36 pm Post subject:

Tech Support

Reportedly, all of the following exchanges really happened.

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A gray one ....

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's

still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left side of

the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not

Bill Gates, dxxx it!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every

time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and

placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't

find it....

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.................... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the

supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there

another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a

capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.

Customer: Is the 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend put a screen saver

on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I

get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk about a problem with

her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his

printer is working fine."

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, press the 'control' and 'escape' keys at

the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the

screen. Now press the 'P' key to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a 'P' key.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!! ( Click - dial tone )

FFT · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 3:48 pm Post subject:

lone-traveler · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 4:45 pm Post subject:

We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight

A first grade class was listening to the teacher who was attempting to explain evolution to the children, and that God doesn't exist.

The teacher asked: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he doesn't exist.

Jamie raised her hand, and wanted to ask Tommy some questions. The teacher agreed.

Jamie: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Jamie: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

Jamie: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Jamie: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Jamie: Do you see the teachers brain?

Tommy: No

Jamie: Then according to what we learned today in school, she must not have one.

Laughing

lone-traveler · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 5:14 pm Post subject:

What Would Jesus Drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for (grin) "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord... " Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

lone-traveler · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:38 am Post subject:

Translation Problems

When it comes to landscaping at my house, I pretty much leave the whole thing to God and my dog. Between the two of them I have sparse patches of yellow grass and dozens of holes which my canine has excavated out of sheer boredom.

I'm also very tolerant of the aberrant behavior of my trees. If they want to turn brown and fling themselves to the ground, I figure it is no business of mine.

For many years my "don't ask, don't chop" attitude toward trees allowed peaceful coëxistence, wherein I was the Lord of the Manor and they were my arboreal subjects. Then a monstrous Douglas Fir next to my house died of what I assume were natural causes; a sad passing brought to my attention by my neighbor Fred, who pointed out that the precarious lean of the tree meant that when its root system finally relinquished its grip on the earth, the thing would fall right through my roof.

"Well, Fred, then why don't you come over and cut the thing down?" I asked pointedly, as I am made testy by people who are always bringing up problems without suggesting solutions. True to his type, Fred demurred, claiming that he didn't think he had the expertise to drop the tree anywhere but on my house, even though he's got plenty of money and could easily afford to pay for any damage he might cause.

He did offer, however, to put me in touch with "the best tree guy in the state," causing me to wonder how such rankings are assigned. Are there playoffs, or do the various garden journalists get together and vote?

"Only problem with this guy is, he doesn't speak English. He's from Brazil," Fred advised me.

"So he speaks Brazilian?"

"No, Portuguese," Fred replied, as if this made any sense whatsoever.

Because my Portuguese is a bit rusty-okay, I didn't actually know it was even a language -I decided to turn to the internet for help in producing written instructions for our state's number-one tree trimmer. What you do is go to the web site, type in your words in your own language, and then you receive a translation which you can then cut and paste into a document for printing.

I was not, however, able to locate an English-to-Portuguese translator. I was able to find Italian to Portuguese, though, and German to Italian, so when I found the English-to-German site, I'd completed the chain, and wrote out a document asking the tree guy to remove the fir tree which was menacing my house.

When I handed the tree guy my written request, he looked at me very oddly, but proceeded to bring down the fir tree without incident. His crew turned out to consist of his son, who could speak fluent English as well as Portuguese, and another man who spoke only English. It was for the third member of the team that the son wrote out a translation of my request, carefully jotting down the English words above my text, as follows:

Greetings to you, friend of the forest:

Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during the long periods of light and the playing of the little children of my loins. Now I fear that a great inclination seizes this hair of Douglass, with the making of a horrible momentum that seeks to cleave the sheltering and disrupt the napping of the father of my offspring. I pray you'll sing the ribbons of restraint and petition the linked chewer to formerly see the dried plumbing of those perilous offshoots of trunk, of which my compatriot Fred exposed electrifying laziness, with not a bruising of crown nor canceling of the eyes of the house. Upon autopsy, please to be creating a pyramid of such fabrication as to allow the warming of our nakedness before the location of burning within the area of living. Upon the occasion of the festival of the night, let us all join in a slobber of brewer's craft.

I belong to you,

Bruce Cameron

(Apparently, this is how they talk in Brazil.)

lone-traveler · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:58 am Post subject:

Theological Arguments

It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

lone-traveler · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:21 pm Post subject:

Old Farmers Advice

Words of wisdom:

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

lone-traveler · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:46 pm Post subject:

_Pecans In The Cemetery_
*
*On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. *

*"One for you, one for me.** One for you, one for me," said one boy. *
*Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.** *

*Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. *

*He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, *

*"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." *

*He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. *

*"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
by the fence they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." *

*The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord.
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.*

*At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." *

*They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy on the bike.*

TeeJoe · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:55 am Post subject:

Faith is the ability to not panic.

If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

Do the math. Count your blessings.

Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

The most important things in your home are the people.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast,so enjoy
your precious moments.

Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just
hearsay.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.Your
character is what you really are. While your reputation is merely what
others think you are.I am JUST ME 24 hours a day and 7 days a week!>

"What you do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all
your tomorrows."

TeeJoe · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:57 am Post subject:

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a page out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I put all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together." AMEN.

TeeJoe · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 1:06 pm Post subject:

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.

Good luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

lone-traveler · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 1:17 pm Post subject:

HAHAHAHA

That one got me LOLOL....

Good one TeeJoe

LOL Laughing

lone-traveler · Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 8:28 pm Post subject:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Hooray! They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

I have been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)!

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on theand uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots -- Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are still unpaid, and the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER IF I SENT IT OR NOT!!!

truthreigns · Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 5:25 pm Post subject: WWJD

I didn't read them all yet but I will. They are all good but I can relate to the computer one. When I call technical support I am not sure of the lingo i'm supposed to use. I probably gave them a bunch of trouble and didn't get my questions answered. Even my son didn't understand me.

Somehow after pushing all kinds of buttons not knowing what I was doing, I managed to get it working.

Do you want to hear a secret? When I got frustrated enough I gave in and admitted I couldn't do it. Then I talk to God and remind Him that He let these men build these confusing contraptions and gave them the know-how to use them.

I also remind Him that He gave me the desire to write on the web but didn't give me the knowledge to use the machine. After a few minutes I go back to teh machine and it runs smoothly for awhile. God performed a miracle for this non-technically minded dumb bell. Embarassed